I'll bet she douches with gravy.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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