Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
