Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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