i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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