Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Randomize
