My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize