my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
