Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize