I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
