if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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