I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Shame - the story of my life.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
