He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
