Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
