I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
