I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
