I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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