I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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