I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
