I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
