Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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