What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
