the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Redeem this text for a blowjob
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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