Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
i think we sleep fucked last night...
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
