talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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