And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
