omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
tell me about the eggs
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
