I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Randomize
