hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
