my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
