Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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