I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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