come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
