She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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