My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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