I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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