you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
