just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
