I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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