that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
