I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
