I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
