help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I can't trust your balls anymore.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
