yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
