call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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