If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
