Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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