god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
