the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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