my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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