Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
