My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
