The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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