Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Randomize
