Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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