He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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