no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
