The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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