he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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